Review of the Last House on the Left Remake

To start things off, I'm a big fan of old school Wes Craven. The man is easily one of the greatest horror directors of all time, though sadly he has lost his touch over the last couple of movie (lets not even talk about Cursed). The original Last House on the Left was Craven's big break through, and while it's far from a good film its still one of the most interesting film watching experiences you'll ever have. Craven shows the rape and torture in vivid detail and all while playing happy music over it, but the film also suffers from some of the most awkward and unfunny comedic relief ever in the form of a bumbling sheriff and his deputy. But the final revenge scenes are fun and satisfying, and Craven definately perfected his film formula with his next film, The Hills Have Eyes.

So with remake craze in full effect, Hollywood of course greenlit a remake of Last House. Apparently a goal for this film was to make it easier to watch than the original, and if that was indeed the filmmaker's goal then they accomplished it. In fact, they accomplished it too well.

Yes, this film is easier to watch than the original. The feelings of disgust and discomfort you felt when you watched the original are nowhere to be found, and there in lies the problem. You don't want to watch the girls be tortured and raped, but that is in fact what Craven was trying to accomplish. Wes Craven, above most other horror directors, doesn't seek to glorify the violence in his films but rather show you how vile and repulsive the acts his characters really are. Sad to say but when that repulsiveness is taken away then we really don't have much more to invest in, and that leads to the main problem with the remake.

It's just really fucking boring.

I don't know how someone can make a film that revolves around torture, rape, murder, and revenge boring, but dear lord they do in this movie. The rape scene has to be the longest rape scene in cinema history and the entire time it went on I felt like falling asleep. I should feel something for the poor girl being robbed of her innocence forever but instead I just didn't give two shits. Many times during this movie I honestly felt like I was watching a Disney Channel movie; hell if the violence and rape stuff had been toned down I could totally see Miley Cyrus and her dad starring in this.

There's just a lack of tension or grittiness in this movie, and many times I felt like I was actually watching a student film and not decently budgeted Hollywood film. The frenzied pace of the original is lost for a leisurely feel which never picks up over the course of the film. It seems like the filmmakers wanted to turn the trashy, exploitative feel of the original into a artsy feel, and I'm sorry but the only director that can make an art film out of trash is Quentin Tarantino.

Now not all aspects of this film are bad, the acting more than makes up for the poor script and directing. Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn give heart to the role of the parents in what could have been bland characters . Super underrated character actor Garret Dillahunt carries most of the movie as Krug, the leader of the group of criminals. Sadly, the actors playing Krug's accomplices don't hold up as well, especially the actor playing Krug's son, who just kinda sits around and looks emo the whole movie. Sarah Paxton and the chick from Superbad also do well as the girls in distress (understatement of the year).

But yeah, for the most part I just didn't care what happened in this movie and I really should have. One thing Craven did so well in the original is make you care for the main characters, and really hate their captors. At the end when the parents take revenge on the criminals you cheer the whole time and, sad to say, but you enjoy seeing the pain the criminals inflicted on the girls turned around onto them now. The remake really could have been as intense as the original, but the entire movie plays like the PG rated cut of Last House on the Left.

And just one more nit picky thing, but the one scene I truly loved about the original was cut from this one. Yes, I am talking about the infamous blow job scene, which was probably a little bit ridiculous and unrealistic but I don't care. Sadly, Disney-fied remakes have no room for a scene with a man getting his pee-pee bitten off.