To start things off, this is not an anti-Twilight post, so if you were expecting some hating, look elsewhere. Instead I chose to examine the main who is arguably the source of the Twilight craze: Edward Cullen. Now I know some you may say that Edward is a pussy and a douchebag, but when you look closer, you will see a man truly ahead of his time. Edward has a hundred years of experience behind him and knows all the moves to get his undead dick wet. So I chose to look at Edward's wooing methods and teach all you guys out there how to pick up all the little girls much like Edward ( a few of you ladies can pick up a trick or two as well). So sit back, pay attention, and learn Edward Cullen's tried and true techniques to woo a lady!
1. Let Her Know How Much She Means to You
Edward knows that the way to a woman's heart is through her self esteem, or lack thereof. Ed knows that if them bitches get too confident then-GASP- they may actually become independent! And we can't have that!
So Edward makes sure to keep his ladies in line, whether its holding your nose in disgust whenever you see your lady, demand to be in any class that she isn't in, informing her of her unusual smell, or telling how much she can't take care of herself without you. Use any method you can to make her feel insignificant so that when you do start laying on the compliments, they feel all the more special.
2. Know All the Popular Hang-Out Spots
Sure Edward is about a hundred years old and has all the education he needs seeing how he practically saw history unfold in front of him, but still many have asked why he still attends high school. Well, have you seen high school chicks these days? Edward knows exactly what he's doing.
With a hundred years of pimp experience and being perpetually stuck at age 17, Edward has a whole slew of tricks up his sleeve, and who's easier to woo than a naive girl just discovering her womanhood? Plus Edward knows as well as anyone that chicks love the older men.
3. Keep the Pimp Hand Strong
Edward comes from a far more simpler time, a time when merciless beat downs on small children was not only allowed, it was encouraged. So when everyone's favorite daisy duke wearing werewolf, Jacob tries to steal Edward's woman, Edward gets down to business.
Poor Jacob obviously doesn't know that being a "rebound" doesn't refer to basketball and actually thinks he has a chance with Edward's lady. Edward is none too amused at this and bitch slaps that hot pants wearing pansy all the way across the woods, sending our lovesick werewolf home with his tail between his legs.
4. When the Tough Gets Going... You Get Going!
So your adopted brother just vamped out and tried to kill your girlfriend. While most of us would normally have to sit through the "Your family hates me!" argument, Edward has a far more unique solution: Leave the bitch cold turkey.
Just like that Edward high tails it out of there and off to Italy (I hear those Mediterranean girls are nice this time of year) leaving his girl lost and without a clue. Hell, she goes as far as attempting suicide in order to catch Edward's attention and all she got were half-hearted attempts to stop her. By the time she was able to get a hold of him, she was so desperate and lovesick she totally forgot about that whole blood thirsty monster trying to kill her thing.
5. Make Her Want It
So your a bloodsucking, soulless killing machine, but you have Christian values to uphold! So you let that bitch know that you aren't just some booty call and make her promise no sex until marriage. Now while this may lead to some frustration on her part, by this point you'll have her so fucked up mentally that you really don't have to worry about her going to another man.
6. Who Needs Protection?
You're a newly wed, and you wanna ensure that your woman remains dependent on you for a long time after, so what do you do? You knock that bitch up!
Edward's undead man-seed is so potent that he hit a bulls eye first time around! So now you have your woman pregnant with the Daywalker, and just for insurance you make her a vampire too. So if years from now she realizes she made a mistake and wants to leave you, she can find that not only is she the mother of your child, but now one of the undead hordes with no hope of ever gaining a normal life again.
Well there ya go, six tried and true methods to make any woman yours! Sure they're demeaning and douchey, but the ladies always go for the jerks anyway. You could always try wearing daisy dukes like that Jacob fella...
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